Breakdown....yup, I'm getting to the nitty gritty really fast.
See, breakdowns can develop slowly over time or they can be instantaneous, the catch isn't when or how they happen, it's when and how they end....if they end.
I've had my fair share of breakdowns and they've all ended with a milestone of some sort....a life change. Both immediate and long term.
Breakdowns are described as various things....episodes, attacks, moments. These are all used to describe alarming and violent events or actions. People expect breakdowns to be as depicted in films and television; obvious withdrawal, crying in the shower, verbal lashing out, poor hygiene...and some of that is true. But films over exaggerate some actions, they skip to the gritty visual aspects of breakdowns, completely ignoring the beginning stages that are so internally devastating.
Without waxing poetic, I'm able to pinpoint on a 10 point scale that I picked up in therapy, my breakdown signs.
1-2: normal anxiety, still able to eat and drink and sleep, probably still pretty lax, able to keep up with some of my responsibilities and work, no sense of distracting anxiety or depression, slight worry able to be relieved by conversation and dialogue with my person
3-4: appetite might be increased but refusing to eat or make food, suddenly craving fast food and food that I can pick up, obsessively drinking water and possibly sugary drinks, adamant on routine, bubbly and really active, but drains easily through out the day, nightmares/anxiety dreams are frequent
5-6: appetite is normal again, frequently feeling more lonely and isolation begins, still very distracted, seeks comfort and regularity from small circles, appearance is important but only to self, something small, appears positive on Social Media and virtual mediums, tendency to go on little rants or tangents. begins to withdraw from activities based on "exhaustion". This phase lasts for about a week or two. more apparent in daytime during weekdays.
7-8: appetite has ceased, nausea is extreme, very withdrawn, weight has dropped, emotionally exhausted, describes self as worthless and without meaning, suicidal ideation is streamed through the dialogue and communications sent out to small inner circle of people, extreme loneliness. no restful sleep is occurring at this point. focusing has gone out the window. tendency to cry and sob is increased. weekly anxiety/panic attacks. might have cold symptoms.
9-10: delusional. impulsive decision making with severe danger or consequence to livelihood. not necessarily "suicidal" so much as consequences do not exist in mindset. almost believing lives in a movie/film/novel narrative. i.e. things are going to work out just like they do on screen. be the character. extreme obsession with weight. no appetite. sleep is extremely inconsistent/irregular. loneliness has manifested into full fledged depression. sees absolutely no worth in self. prolonged anxiety attack. self-describes as mentally "not there". may be able to feign smile or positivity for surface/social media. inside feels hollow and empty and without meaning. literally needs someone to hold me down and keep me company to prevent me from doing impulsive things. this all stems from severe prolonged loneliness with designated person.
Yes, I know I have friends and family. I'm thankful for them beyond means. But there are people who know you to your core. Those few people you can count on one hand. Those are the people I need. I can't just pick and choose who I want these people to be. It just happens over time and developed intimacy in friendship and relationship building. Trust me, if I could pick these people and put them in a queue like this was Netflix or something, I would.
My mental health is important to me. Just because I study it doesn't mean I'm a pro by any means. In fact, just because I can pick up my patterns doesn't mean I can necessarily stop them by myself or find a lapse in time where I can prevent it.
I acknowledge these and hope my circle knows and loves me enough to help me through this. To know even when I tell them I'm a burden and it's unfair to them, that their love and caring for me knows no bounds and these words just make them love me more. But that's all we can ask for in this crazy crazy world huh?
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