The ADHD Chronicles: A Girl in Breakdown

Breakdown....yup, I'm getting to the nitty gritty really fast.

See, breakdowns can develop slowly over time or they can be instantaneous, the catch isn't when or how they happen, it's when and how they end....if they end.

I've had my fair share of breakdowns and they've all ended with a milestone of some sort....a life change. Both immediate and long term.

Breakdowns are described as various things....episodes, attacks, moments. These are all used to describe alarming and violent events or actions. People expect breakdowns to be as depicted in films and television; obvious withdrawal, crying in the shower, verbal lashing out, poor hygiene...and some of that is true. But films over exaggerate some actions, they skip to the gritty visual aspects of breakdowns, completely ignoring the beginning stages that are so internally devastating.

Without waxing poetic, I'm able to pinpoint on a 10 point scale that I picked up in therapy, my breakdown signs.

1-2: normal anxiety, still able to eat and drink and sleep, probably still pretty lax, able to keep up with some of my responsibilities and work, no sense of distracting anxiety or depression, slight worry able to be relieved by conversation and dialogue with my person

3-4: appetite might be increased but refusing to eat or make food, suddenly craving fast food and food that I can pick up, obsessively drinking water and possibly sugary drinks, adamant on routine, bubbly and really active, but drains easily through out the day, nightmares/anxiety dreams are frequent

5-6: appetite is normal again, frequently feeling more lonely and isolation begins, still very distracted, seeks comfort and regularity from small circles, appearance is important but only to self, something small, appears positive on Social Media and virtual mediums, tendency to go on little rants or tangents. begins to withdraw from activities based on "exhaustion". This phase lasts for about a week or two. more apparent in daytime during weekdays.

7-8: appetite has ceased, nausea is extreme, very withdrawn, weight has dropped, emotionally exhausted, describes self as worthless and without meaning, suicidal ideation is streamed through the dialogue and communications sent out to small inner circle of people, extreme loneliness. no restful sleep is occurring at this point. focusing has gone out the window. tendency to cry and sob is increased. weekly anxiety/panic attacks. might have cold symptoms.

9-10: delusional. impulsive decision making with severe danger or consequence to livelihood. not necessarily "suicidal" so much as consequences do not exist in mindset. almost believing lives in a movie/film/novel narrative. i.e. things are going to work out just like they do on screen. be the character. extreme obsession with weight. no appetite. sleep is extremely inconsistent/irregular. loneliness has manifested into full fledged depression. sees absolutely no worth in self. prolonged anxiety attack. self-describes as mentally "not there". may be able to feign smile or positivity for surface/social media. inside feels hollow and empty and without meaning. literally needs someone to hold me down and keep me company to prevent me from doing impulsive things. this all stems from severe prolonged loneliness with designated person.

Yes, I know I have friends and family. I'm thankful for them beyond means. But there are people who know you to your core. Those few people you can count on one hand. Those are the people I need. I can't just pick and choose who I want these people to be. It just happens over time and developed intimacy in friendship and relationship building. Trust me, if I could pick these people and put them in a queue like this was Netflix or something, I would.

My mental health is important to me. Just because I study it doesn't mean I'm a pro by any means. In fact, just because I can pick up my patterns doesn't mean I can necessarily stop them by myself or find a lapse in time where I can prevent it.

I acknowledge these and hope my circle knows and loves me enough to help me through this. To know even when I tell them I'm a burden and it's unfair to them, that their love and caring for me knows no bounds and these words just make them love me more. But that's all we can ask for in this crazy crazy world huh?

Tech Review: Turning On of a new Leaf

The silver leaf clip on my collar at all times this week, compliments and questions as to what it was, the familiarity of the image peaking the curiosity of those around me.

"I've seen that before", "Oh, that looks familiar", "How is that thing?"

Let me tell you, I was skeptical about my Bellabeat and was sure I was going to return it after my trial run. But my goodness it has changed my life for the better.

My New Approach to Healthy Logging and Tracking

I've been meaning to do this post for a while since starting the new year, but I didn't know if I wanted to put it down as part of my "Gain and Loss" series or just a listicle of pages in my bullet journal.

After putting it off for so long I just decided to write it up and see how it goes.

In the beginning of the year, we're all inundated with weight loss and health posts. It's a commonality that really it all comes down to making more conscious choices in nutritional value and portion control.

The A.D.H.D. Chronicles: Talk Therapy

I battle with severe depression and anxiety. Hard to tell by my bubbly extroverted demeanor, huh?

Don't worry, I get it all the time. See the thing is, I use my external overtly-positive and outgoing personality as a cover-up. Now, that's not to say it isn't genuine in any way, but it's more along the lines of, I perpetually feel incomplete as a person on the inside. There's harsh waves of unworthiness, incompatibility, inability to "be enough"....it's there all the time.

In fact, I'll put it this way, very few people actually know who I am and my quirks, behavior, thought patterns, and daily functioning. And again, there is no disingenuous factor to that or to who I am with most people, I'm just very closed off about my "dark side"...though I wouldn't call it a "dark" side so much as a "gray shadow".

I will say that I have found various forms of coping. Journaling, symptom tracking, medication, and the titular mechanism- talk therapy.

Carrie, Mental Health Warrior Princess and Rebel General of Not Taking Your Shit

Dear Carrie Fisher,

By goodness, there's an outpouring of love for you today. As much as I want to join the crowds and virtually scream "Why did you leave us? 2016 is the worst!", and  I have, I'm gonna level with you right now.

There's a million articles right now mentioning your mental health battles with bipolar and your blunt honesty about dealing with mental illness. And it's great that they're talking about it, but I'm still wary about their stabilization of the stigma.

Your mental health column in the Guardian is what gave me a refreshed new life and perspective when it came to having a mental illness. Especially this last one you did. 

"We have been given a challenging illness, and there is no other option than to meet those challenges. Think of it as an opportunity to be heroic" - Carrie Fisher on having Bi-Polar Disorder

Today wasn't a good mental day for me. Actually, the last weekend was. It's been one of my first significant bouts of depression since this summer/early fall. You know the kind, the depression that sneaks up on you in little waves here and there before all consuming you entirely. Just the thought of turning around in your chair is exhausting and mentally it's a war just to hold a conversation with someone.

It's one of those kinds of days...weekends...bouts. Whatever you may call it.




And your passing didn't help it by any means. You were gone way too soon. There was so much more to do. You're supposed to be here for Billie's blossoming career and she was supposed to honor you at SAG just like you did for your mom a few years ago. You were supposed to be confusing the hell out of everyone on twitter with your emoji language that took patience and time to decipher and Gary needs someone to laugh and cuddle with him and his dumb tongue.

I'm seriously going to miss your honesty more than anything. The fact that you didn't take shit from anyone about yourself, your family, your fans....you were such a fierce warrior of preserving dignity without compromising the fact that there is humor in life. I'm gonna miss you snapping at the media who would pick on you for your weight and appearance as a normal human being. How dare you not have the body of 19 year old you at 60? Duh everyone still has their 19-year-old body when they're 60....well that's what the media wants us to think and you just told them to go eff right off. God, I love that.

And your books are just fantastic. Do you know how awesome it was to read your words, not just about growing up Hollywood royalty, but about your dark days in depression and figuring out how to battle being a human in the la la land microscope trying to change ya every which way. About realizing love just wasn't for you and that being Billie's mom is the best thing to happen to you and how you wanted to be healthy for her.

But see, for me and the many mentally ill princes and princesses, you're now not just a twitter mama we can go and check out online, you're the best version of the Princess Leia hologram that captured the world in 1977. Now when I go home tonight and curl up in my PJ's, giving into my avoidance and depression for the night while watching your film and tv anthology, I'll make sure to start talking to you and asking you for assistance through these brutally bumpy depression times.

Help me Princess Carrie, you're my only hope.