I'm the Black Swan Now

Okay so really I'm just taking ballet again, several times a week actually.

It's part of my self-care, which people often confuse with "baby-gloving". Sometimes it's about continously challenging yourself and achieving a goal you never thought possible. 

For me, it was getting en pointe and following through with ballet. 

In rewatching Black Swan, the Natalie Portman psychodrama classic, which fascinated me, not only as a behavioral science student and Miss Portman fan, but also in respect for the art of classic french ballet. 

I had trained in it previously as a child but ended up going into ballet folklorico (mexican folkloric dancing). In high school, I took lessons for a few months as well, but academics took precedent and I forwent my pursuit of the classes.

One of my 2017 resolutions was to learn a new physical art, I had successfully taken on hiking last

year, pure physical cardio with strength training as well. But there wasn't grace or strength training built into it. That's when I turned to the ballet studio just up the street from me.

I thought it would be a little hard finding a place that would offer adult ballet classes. Being in SoCal I was expecting to be expected to travel to Costa Mesa or some trendy beach town where I'd be greeted by former ballerinas who are now soccer moms in Lululemon pants and gave birth while piouretting en pointe and live broadcasting to their successful social media sites where they inspire thousands across the world......errrr I went on a rant there.

Anyway....

Anaheim Ballet is just up the street from me and they offer adult ballet classes nearly every night Monday through Saturday.

What I love most about my ballet classes is that the fellow students are diverse in age and skill level. Everyone is so welcoming, the teachers are wonderful and personable. I find myself going back day after day not just to refine my skill and get back on my feet, but because the people I see and dance with every night make me happy and encourage me to continue.

My dispositions going into this were definitely based off some convoluted stereotype of the Southern California/Orange County housewife. I acknowledge that I let my fears and insecurities take hold of my apprehension and encourage my slow lazy approach to find and sign up for classes.

I find myself very dedicated to this. So much so I can't go a day without stretching in my room or practicing routines off Pinterest or YouTube.

Heck, I even made a Pinterest board to save all my ideas and tips for ballet. You should check it out!

I'll try and keep up my ballet blogging on here and Instagram. I think it's a fun adventure you all should join me on!

Tech Review: Turning On of a new Leaf

The silver leaf clip on my collar at all times this week, compliments and questions as to what it was, the familiarity of the image peaking the curiosity of those around me.

"I've seen that before", "Oh, that looks familiar", "How is that thing?"

Let me tell you, I was skeptical about my Bellabeat and was sure I was going to return it after my trial run. But my goodness it has changed my life for the better.

A Guide to Hiking Essentials

Breakdown of what I always NEED to take on my hikes

Gain and Loss: A Reflection on my Weight Journey in 2016

So, I'll try not to flood this with pictures of myself. Because honestly, I can't really tell the difference in pictures. In fact, I still look in the mirror most times and still see myself as an overweight young teen girl trying to hide her insecurities in food and seclusion.

All approximate weights....for the record I'm barely 5' 2"

Growing up I was always the girl my family would describe to others as "smart" and "witty" and they'd list my accomplishments. And I know that on the surface that seems great, they would talk about me for more than external appearances. But behind the scenes there were always blatant or passive ways of them letting me know how I was unacceptable because of my weight.

When the doors were closed and others weren't around I was always lectured about my eating patterns or choices, I was passive aggressively berated for my clothing options, "encouragement" to work out was directed at my weight loss not about feeling better, I was exposed to movies and shows about food and obesity, I was taken to weight watchers meetings to "hold purses" and maybe "take note", my tee shirt order forms were always marked XL even after I turned them in with a checkmark on L....it was always there.

Now, I don't blame my family at all. They really do care and, honestly, with the health issues that run in my family, it was important for me to take notice and care about it. But if there's anything we learn, it's that when the berating and negative pushing stops and the positive encouragement begins, that's when changes start.



I can't tell you that I'm in love with my self and the face of body acceptance and positivity, I can't tell you that I found a method that will always work for me and that I've been on a steady decline in weight, I can't tell you that I buy clothes with confidence or dress confidently all the time.

What I can tell you is that it took living by myself and controlling my food purchases to see a change. It took trial and error, waves of liking things and then not-liking them, trying a million different ways of exercising....it's what's good for me and I know that I'm always going to be looking at it.

Hiking was one of my 2016 New Years Resolutions I stuck too. January 3rd was my first hike...a mile and half, and I was beat. But sticking too it got me to my 6-8 mile minimum for regular endurance hikes.

It's so cliche, really, the whole "find what works for you and do it", but it's cliche because it's true. For some people a weight loss program works, for others cutting out large groups of food works, or some people work out on a near religious basis.

But no matter what there's the basics in every way of health that work.

1. Drinking a crap ton of water every day
2. Meal planning/awareness
3. Accountability to a person, app, group of people...etc.
4. Exercise on a regular basis

I do admit, I take medications for my anxiety and depression which affect my appetite and weight fluctuation. In fact, this last autumn, I was eating pretty poorly (started drinking soda again, became drive thru dependent, eating out to "treat" myself...a little too often). I even went nearly 3 whole weekends without hiking. 

The weight came back fast but I took notice immediately and got back to hiking, walking, cutting back on soda/sugary drinks, making my breakfast at home, drinking milk alternatives...the whole shebang that I use to get me back. The key was grocery shopping and packing my lunch, staying active throughout the day (which is actually really hard when you have a desk job), and taking time to make the healthy choices when you do pick up food. 

Cats bc I didn't wear makeup this day, and to this day I'm actually lower than this. But 153 is my average right now.

I have a step counter watch, I track my measurements with a scale and the Apple Health app, I had to stop counting calories, MyFitnessPal, though working for some, was becoming a scary obsession that I had to cut from my life before it became unhealthy. 

This'll be a regularly occurring theme of posts on my blog. 

Ready, Set, Hike....Trusty Wearable Items for Casual Hikes and Endurance Hikes

I love hiking! Sometimes I go for casual nature walks just to see a new view or place of beauty, other times I go for endurance hikes to push my body to the limits. This is how I prepare for those hikes right now. 

Little disclaimer, though, I bought a lot of these at discounted prices through sales online or at physical retail stores. The links are to the brand's site though, just for the purpose of making sure you get the exact item!

Casual Nature Walk/Hike	Endurance Building Challenging Hike
Under Armor Storm Hustle II Backpack - $54.99	Mobile Edge Premium Backpack - $99.99
Nike Flex 2016 RN – Black/White - $80	Under Armour Hiking Boots - $119.99
Zella Flow Over Woven Tank - $19.50 Lululemon – Wunder Under Crop II $88	Lululemon Jacket – Unavailable on Site Lululemon Wunder Short2” - $49